The whole pain thing...

Pain is an interesting thing, isn't it? There are so many forms of it, so many vastly different causes of it, and so many ways that we react to it.

This week I was in pain. Some of it physical, some emotional, but all frustrating.

With the weather constantly changing here, from almost spring back to winter awfulness, joints get confused and stop working. I'm not 30 yet, there isn't supposed to be weather-related joint pain, right? Wrong. But physical pain I can handle. It is frustrating, but you learn to adapt and cope and do what you have to do to get things done.

It's the heart pain that gets me.

I'm still processing, trying to figure out what exactly is going on and why I'm hurting, but I am.

Maybe it's because I feel like I'm totally unprepared to do what I do each day, and definitely not smart enough or wise enough or old enough to help my students figure out what they are meant to be doing and how they need to change some of their habits now.  I'm not perfect...and they're not perfect...and sometimes I feel like there is just this unperfect mess of us trying to figure it out.

But I love my job, and I am learning and growing and figuring it out...day by day and prayer by prayer.

And then there is friendship pain. The pain that comes with us all being human and messing up and inadvertently causing pain to people that we love. For some reason this pain gets me on a level that I can't put words to. The thought of being the source of someone's pain broke me this week.  It was the straw on top of an already precariously stacked Jenga pile that came crashing down.

And you know how competitive I can be. The reality of the pieces falling down around me while I sit in shock that I've failed...that's the pain that may be the worst of them all because there's a shock factor that goes with it.

Sometimes I wish I could do it on my own. That I could retreat to some oasis and just get it done and not need anyone or have anyone that needs me. But alas, community and relationships are key (especially to an extrovert like me).

And so I'm working on sorting out the pieces, waking up each morning and remembering to breathe in and out.

It's been a rough week, but a new one is right around the bend.

So if you've been having a rough week, too, I'm with you.  We'll make it out of this.  We can get through it.

And if you don't know how, maybe a good start would be watching this panda video :)

Seasons

Have you ever gone through a season that was so busy that you kept having “If I make it to _______, I’ll make it through” moments? When around every corner was something else keeping you up at night and causing your suitcase never to quite be unpacked?

'When we've made it through September, we'll know if we're doing okay.'

'Once I get back from the US, things will get back to normal.'

'If I can survive January, I can survive anything.'

That has been the last...hmmm...six months for me.  Six months of something else just around the corner to not necessarily be worried about, but to be thinking of and planning for. The school year is far from over and there are so many things I probably should be doing right now, but taking the time to reflect on six months of crazy seems more important right now...

...and I have a cup of chai made out of Indian tea and Kenyan masala within reach, so that of course makes thinking all the more exciting.

The first semester of school as a principal was so much better than I could have imagined and so much more exhausting than I thought possible. It was filled with new challenges and adventures, trying to find enough time each day to get everything (or just something) on my to do list done, and redefining relationships as I transitioned from teacher to principal and from colleague to boss. Not everything changed, but so many of the "normal" aspects of my life were totally abnormal all of a sudden, and that transition was so much harder than I thought it would be.  It wasn't bad, it was just different and a wee bit difficult.

And then there was the travel.

Every month from September to January I was away from home for at least 5 days, sometimes more. As I packed for my trip to India over the Chinese New Year break back in January, I discovered a suitcase from my October trip to the US that I had never bothered to unpack. October! What on earth! My carry-on was never empty and my passport didn't get a break. Usually I have 4 or so stamps next to my Chinese visa in my passport (which is renewed each spring). Right now I have 10...and that just represents the trips out of the country from May to January this year.

Now don't get me wrong, I love traveling. Since returning to China last July, I've explored southern France with my parents and brother, wandered around Hong Kong twice, prepared for transitions in Beijing with our seniors, gotten caught in a downpour on a coffee plantation in India, and so much more. I've slept through two 7+ hour flights (thank you Jesus for making me someone who can sleep anywhere) and taken one too many of my 'traditional' Starbucks airport pictures. After years of trying and failing, I've gotten to the point where I can actually pack for a week in a small carry-on suitcase. If that isn't a life goal achieved, I don't know what is.

And now, like the calm before a storm, I wait patiently for normal to finally become a reality. My hope is that in February I will cook at home more and worry about what is not getting done less.

And I hope that I can rest.

My word for 2016 was trust, and boy oh boy was that a doozy to meditate on. I was stretched and poked and prodded with that word and the heaviness of actually doing it time and time again, and I think that sometimes I forgot that I can take a deep breath and trust even while doing nothing.

So my word for 2017 is rest, and besides taking more naps, I hope that I can learn to turn off all of the noise around me figure out what rest really is...

And with that, I should probably get back to my homework and lesson planning so that I can get some rest. :)