On Satisfaction and Singleness

I know I haven’t blogged in a while, so this post being my “back to the blog” attempt might not make a lot of sense, and I’m not looking for sympathy or reassurance…I just want to share something that is heavy on my heart today. Let me explain…

I'm single.  This is [hopefully] no surprise to any of you that know me.  I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to live in an amazing corner of the world, pouring my heart into the people around me and the students that enter my classroom each day.  I truly love what I do.  I know that I have been uniquely gifted with an immense passion for the students that I work with, and there isn’t always room for many others in my days as I attempt to become the best teacher and mentor to them that I can be.  There have been seasons in my life where I have been told that I need to stop thinking so much about my job, but I honestly can’t.  I love it so much.  I truly do.  I wouldn’t trade the opportunities that I have to make a difference in their lives for anything.  It is where I’m supposed to be.

That said, there is a part of me that aches for something different; that yearns to be a “normal” twenty-six year old girl.  What is “normal?” In most of my groups of friends, “normal” for now is getting married, having kids, and getting settled into a routine that will last for decades.  “Normal” is going over to mom and dad’s every weekend for Sunday lunch to share stories of running into friends from a few years back in the grocery store and hearing about all the comings and goings of grown-up life.

My “grown-up” life is so far from normal.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Really.

And then someone, I’m sure meaning to be an encouragement or to provide some shred of hope for that “normal” that everyone knows that everyone else must be longing for, goes and ruins it.

I love my students, and part of loving them means anticipating disaster and preventing injury.  Twice today I was told that, as a result of my stellar crowd-control-like skills at school, I’m going to make a marvelous mother.

Thanks.

How do you know that I’m going to be a great mother?  Have you seen some crystal ball into my future?  Did God sit you down for coffee and give you a vision of my life?  Because if He did, I’d love to see it.

Let’s talk reality here.

I might make a wonderful mother someday, but you don’t know that.  Even if I do some day meet the man of my dreams (Gilbert Blythe is still free, isn’t he?), my own children will not know the cool teacher that was commented on today.  Even if I met Mr. Right tomorrow, got married in a year, and immediately became a baby-making machine, by the time my kids are the age of my students I will be almost forty, with aching bones and weary eyes.  How do I know?  I don’t…but my aching joints and exhausted body can barely make it through an 8-hour day of teaching now.  I can’t imagine how I would have energy for that and a family of my own.  Sure, I love my friends’ and cousins’ kids.  I adore them more than anything on the planet, in fact.  Maybe that means I’ll make a great mom.  But you don’t know that.

When I moved to China, I accepted that singleness was going to be a reality for me for at least two years.  Now I'm staying for another contract, and possibly for decades more.  Singleness isn’t something that I fell asleep dreaming about as a child, but it is a reality for me now, and I am so extremely content with it.  Again, I know that I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing here and now if I had any other circumstances.

But that doesn't mean that your comments don’t tug at an aching part of my heart.

So friends, as you see the single men and women around you and think that little comment that you mean to be encouraging, please be mindful of their hearts.  Be mindful and consider that what you mean for encouragement might in fact be a painful reminder of a choice that they have made and of the cons to a calling that they are grateful to have followed.

And to my single friends out there, I understand your ache.  I feel your pain.  Know that you are not alone.

Location: Chengdu, China

Local Time (CST -- GMT+8): 9:16 p.m. (4/11/2014)
Auburn Time (PST -- GMT-7): 6:16 a.m. (4/11/2014)