Silver Linings Do Exist

Today was a good day, and when a good day comes along I think I need to start writing something down, because Lord knows I need to be able to look back and be reminded of the good when the bad starts invading again. 

Unlike friends in the US, we had school today but won't tomorrow. (Memorial Day isn't a holiday here, but Dragon Boat Festival is and so we have that day off in a slightly different spot than our North American friends.) That meant modified schedules and a few unusual meetings for a Monday. It worked out okay...a normal, busy day in the office. 

Tonight, though, was that silver lining.

Some friends had a thank you fire with s'mores up on their rooftop. They invited all of their children's teachers and made an evening of it, with more sugar and conversation than I've had in a while. 

 

Of course dinner was necessary beforehand, and rather than go do my homework while eating noodles (my original plan) I wound up checking out a new restaurant with two friends before s'more time. (We also are addicted to frozen coffees at our corner store.  I've know about them for 4 days and so far have stayed steady at one a day.  No regrets there...)

 

It was such a beautiful evening, with random conversations and laughter and cuddles with  amazing kiddos.

 

Sure, things can be rough, but when you get to spend a half hour with a little one using you for a pillow, it's hard to get caught up in the negatives. 

 

It's going to be a hard few weeks of goodbyes and see you laters, but tonight was a perfect time of simply being. 

I'm thankful for my Chengdu tribe. These are good people to do life with. 

The struggle: It's real.

I'm struggling.

There not really a way to sugarcoat it.  Not really a way to justify it.  It's just a fact.  I could blame my struggle on a busy year, or the hardship of loss, or transition.  And that's all a part of it.  It's all very real and heavy and hard.

And the fact is, I'm just struggling.

It's hard for me to admit weakness. I think that as a female/MK/leader/adult/type-A-personality/teacher/human, I want to be strong on my own: to know that I'm competent enough, strong enough, smart enough, experienced enough, or something enough to handle it.

And sometimes, I can't.

I'm not _____ (fill in the blank) enough to make it happen without help, usually followed or led into by a few tears.

Today,  I struggled to make it through. And it was only a half day so really there is no excuse.

The thing is, today turned into a really good day.

Maybe instead of the word struggle, I should say 'wrestle.'  I'm wrestling. Not physically of course (if you know me at all you know that that is so not one of my hobbies), but I'm emotionally wrestling with a lot of ideas, big and small.

Anyway, let me get back on topic and tell you why today was so good.  It started off really hard and I'm not going to get in to all that here, but it was bad.  Real bad. Rough, terrible, no good very bad day sort of material.  And then I cried. Oh how I cried. Oh how I mourned and grieved and hid (middle and high school were on spring trips so I had a plethora of hiding places to choose from). If I could have dug a hole and lived there for a while, I would have.

And then, after many tears, a few friends pulled me out of it.   I don't think that they knew that it would be the medicine I needed,  but it worked.

One came and spoke Truth that I needed to be reminded of. Being reminded of what God is doing and how I've been a part of it was a good start, but also the reality of the struggle that this year has been across the board. I'm not alone in it...we are all together. There is a comfort in that that really is so reassuring.

The next remedy took a little more time, but my goodness was it salve for the soul. It started with and invitation to sit with coffee, half a cookie, and a half a cinnamon roll. (My school has the best kitchen staff.  Seriously.  They are amazing. And food fixes everything...or at least it helps the process along.)  Then it was the recommendation to write a few thank you cards and focus on the silver linings to the clouds. Suddenly it was laughter and stories and memories and more tears, but these ones I didn't mind so much.

And while I'm still struggling, I didn't feel so alone in the pit by the end of it all. I had someone there with me, crying with me and passing the tissues.

Part of my struggle is that this friend and his family are leaving soon. But oh my goodness I'm so glad that they've been a part of my life here.  I'm going to miss so many things about each of them...too many to document here...but today I was reassured of the depth of friendship that is there. And a friendship that deep doesn't go away from a plane and a few thousand miles that might physically separate people. Five years of memories don't just vanish into thin air. They will always be a part of my China story, and a part of me.  One sixth of my life has been spent doing life with them. Five years of tears and triumphs. Of arguments and wrestling and growth. Five really really good years of being in community with these friends who are my China family.

I struggle.  But I'm thankful. So here I sit: struggling, thankful, and crying for all the right reasons. The day started with tears that weren't so great, but these ones are a bit sweeter.

Oh this life.

The big 3-0

Tomorrow, I'll be embarking on a new decade.

Interestingly enough, I will essentially miss my birthday this year because I’ll be in the air for all but 4 or 5 hours of it.  I’ve never missed my birthday before…it’s an interesting thing to think about.

But whether or not I am on land for my birthday, I’m entering a new decade this week.  I’m moving from my late 20s into my early 30s. I can no longer check the 20-29 (or 25-29) box.

And this got me thinking.

A whole heck of a lot happens in that box that 20-29 box, doesn’t it?

When I was 20, I was in the middle of my college experience in Michigan, finally figuring out what I wanted to do for a major and a career, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn’t teach middle school.  (I see what you did there, Lord.  Good one.) That year, I travelled to 8 countries and explored new corners of the world that I hadn’t thought to fall in love with before. Life was an adventure and it was slowly starting to unfold on the horizon.

At 21, I was starting my senior year of college. I moved into a house on campus with 6 friends, had incredible community, and never wanted the season I was in to end. It was the perfect end to a wonderful season of learning and growth.

The day after I turned 22, I graduated from college.  That year was spent relocating to another part of the country, loving almost every moment of it, and yet being a bit heartbroken that I didn’t have a clear indication of when I would leave the US or where I would eventually wind up.  I knew what I wanted, but it just wasn’t meant to be in that season. I was also dating someone that I was sure that I would marry, but kept being pulled toward places that didn’t line up with his plans.  (Sometimes I think back on the relational aspects of being 22 and wonder if I should have done things differently. It doesn’t take long for me to be very thankful that everything went just the way it did…)

At 23, I took two back-to-back long-term subs jobs, learned that I can handle classes of 35 gangly 7^th graders, and ended up feeling so much more comfortable in my little class of 19 fifth graders. I discovered my distain for the way 10 year olds fawn over Justin Beiber and had to tell a student not to use the Force to complete his math homework. 23 was a good year.

At 24, I was finally making a home for myself in a town that I love.  I had friends, fellowship, a ministry that I loved, and finally felt content and comfortable. There were moments where it was abundantly clear that I didn’t belong in my surroundings, that I didn’t quite fit, but they weren’t the norm and I was thankful to be where I was. At 24, I started thinking that I might never live outside the US again, and I was okay with that.

At 25, I moved to China. That choice that I made at 25 changed the trajectory of my life…no doubt about it. I started off on a new adventure, telling friends that I would be there for 2 to 20 years, but hoping it would only be 2.  I learned how to speak 星巴克的中文(Starbucks Chinese), gained a roommate (who quickly became my best friend) who was the complete opposite of me in so many ways, and learned about a corner of the world that I had never dared to explore. 25 was a really good year.

At 26, I left the elementary classroom and moved into middle school with a class that I adored.  Something that I swore I would never do suddenly became my world, and I loved every minute of it. 26 was also a very difficult year, with a major school move, conflict around what seemed like every corner, and a growing distain for the g-word (grace), the m-word (mercy), and the f-word (flexible).  Don’t worry, I’m okay with all three of those words now…most of the time.

At 27, I committed to staying in my China home for two more years, sure that these would be my last there. I started thinking about what I wanted to do next, where I wanted to go…who I wanted to be. And yet, somewhere during that year, I discovered that I really was made for this life in Chengdu.

At 28, I started to think about my career and my future, wondering if it was time to take a big leap into yet another adventure. I wasn’t bored with teaching (something that I’m pretty sure is impossible to be), but I was getting comfortable, and when Bekah Teusink feels comfortable it’s time to shake things up a bit...

At 29, I became a principal, signed another two-year contract, and finally started referring to China as home without thoughts of anywhere else holding that title any time soon.  At 29 I discovered what stress was, starting having occasional heart palpitations/waves of anxiety, and learned how important rest is. At 29, I discovered that I am not invincible and, in the words of Aunt Bea, that I’m “no spring chicken anymore.”

And now, 30 is here. A new decade. A new reality. A new world of possibilities.

Here’s to a great year!

Don’t judge a book by its cover and other good advice

This has been a big week of thinking.

Thinking about life.  Thinking about work.  Thinking about stress.  Lots of thinking.

It’s been quite the year.  New job, new responsibilities, new challenges…all of them have combined to be a wonderful chaotic picture of my new reality. Joy has been a common thread, but it’s still been quite difficult.  And it’s not over yet.

But now, on to what I was referring to in the title…

I’m in the Chengdu airport, all checked in and ready to start the journey to the US for grandma’s funeral.  As I got in a taxi and headed towards the airport, the rain was impressive.  I haven’t seen that kind of downpour in quite some time.  The puddles on the roads were impossible to avoid, and I think my taxi driver was a bit frustrated and yet having a blast hitting them at full speed.  It was fun…made me want to wear rainboots and jump in them.  Don’t worry, I didn’t :)

But, because of all of the rain, the plane is delayed.  Shocker.  #thisishowweDuit

As I tried to understand the announcement that they made (apparently telling us to sit down and not line up, which is an unlikely outcome in a Chinese airport…come and visit and you’ll know what I’m talking about) I realized that I was not in a mental state to put together Chinese phrases that aren’t about getting to a certain location or a cup of coffee, so I went up to talk to the lady at the counter, who saw me and immediately got out her phone to use the translate app.  An older gentleman was standing at the counter, looking at me and smiling…and then he started translating for me.

So often here, I assume that people can’t understand.  I assume that I’ll be alone in my struggle for understanding. And so often, I’m pleasantly surprised.

The gentleman and I had a nice little conversation in English (his English was perfect…I should have asked him some questions), with him expressing his surprise that I’ve been in China for this long and that I’m a principal. He was surprised that I was traveling in the middle of the school year, and so sad when I told him why I was travelling.

I should have asked him how old he is…where he’s going…where he’s lived…I should have asked him so many things.

But I think God put him in my path (favorite quote from the Four Feathers…you should watch it) to be the help and encouragement that I needed this morning.

God’s been putting a lot of people in my path this week to be a shoulder to cry on, a voice of reason, and a reason to hope.

I don’t generally like season where I feel like I can’t do it on my own, but I have to admit that in this one I’m thankful for the village that surrounds me.

Update: When we landed in Beijing, my translator friend and his wife came and stood by me while we waited for baggage.  They were visiting Chengdu for the first time since he was 2…he was born there.  We talked about the tourist sides that they visited (the Pandas, JiuZhaiGou, JinLi Street, Leshan Giant Buddha, etc.), I learned that their daughter lives in Beijing and has for 8 years, but is moving home to New Jersey this summer to have their first grandchild, and that he is 73. I love the little opportunities that we get to follow up on conversations and fill in the details that we didn’t even think about learning before. A good end to phase 1 of my journey today.