I'm struggling.
There not really a way to sugarcoat it. Not really a way to justify it. It's just a fact. I could blame my struggle on a busy year, or the hardship of loss, or transition. And that's all a part of it. It's all very real and heavy and hard.
And the fact is, I'm just struggling.
It's hard for me to admit weakness. I think that as a female/MK/leader/adult/type-A-personality/teacher/human, I want to be strong on my own: to know that I'm competent enough, strong enough, smart enough, experienced enough, or something enough to handle it.
And sometimes, I can't.
I'm not _____ (fill in the blank) enough to make it happen without help, usually followed or led into by a few tears.
Today, I struggled to make it through. And it was only a half day so really there is no excuse.
The thing is, today turned into a really good day.
Maybe instead of the word struggle, I should say 'wrestle.' I'm wrestling. Not physically of course (if you know me at all you know that that is so not one of my hobbies), but I'm emotionally wrestling with a lot of ideas, big and small.
Anyway, let me get back on topic and tell you why today was so good. It started off really hard and I'm not going to get in to all that here, but it was bad. Real bad. Rough, terrible, no good very bad day sort of material. And then I cried. Oh how I cried. Oh how I mourned and grieved and hid (middle and high school were on spring trips so I had a plethora of hiding places to choose from). If I could have dug a hole and lived there for a while, I would have.
And then, after many tears, a few friends pulled me out of it. I don't think that they knew that it would be the medicine I needed, but it worked.
One came and spoke Truth that I needed to be reminded of. Being reminded of what God is doing and how I've been a part of it was a good start, but also the reality of the struggle that this year has been across the board. I'm not alone in it...we are all together. There is a comfort in that that really is so reassuring.
The next remedy took a little more time, but my goodness was it salve for the soul. It started with and invitation to sit with coffee, half a cookie, and a half a cinnamon roll. (My school has the best kitchen staff. Seriously. They are amazing. And food fixes everything...or at least it helps the process along.) Then it was the recommendation to write a few thank you cards and focus on the silver linings to the clouds. Suddenly it was laughter and stories and memories and more tears, but these ones I didn't mind so much.
And while I'm still struggling, I didn't feel so alone in the pit by the end of it all. I had someone there with me, crying with me and passing the tissues.
Part of my struggle is that this friend and his family are leaving soon. But oh my goodness I'm so glad that they've been a part of my life here. I'm going to miss so many things about each of them...too many to document here...but today I was reassured of the depth of friendship that is there. And a friendship that deep doesn't go away from a plane and a few thousand miles that might physically separate people. Five years of memories don't just vanish into thin air. They will always be a part of my China story, and a part of me. One sixth of my life has been spent doing life with them. Five years of tears and triumphs. Of arguments and wrestling and growth. Five really really good years of being in community with these friends who are my China family.
I struggle. But I'm thankful. So here I sit: struggling, thankful, and crying for all the right reasons. The day started with tears that weren't so great, but these ones are a bit sweeter.
Oh this life.
There not really a way to sugarcoat it. Not really a way to justify it. It's just a fact. I could blame my struggle on a busy year, or the hardship of loss, or transition. And that's all a part of it. It's all very real and heavy and hard.
And the fact is, I'm just struggling.
It's hard for me to admit weakness. I think that as a female/MK/leader/adult/type-A-personality/teacher/human, I want to be strong on my own: to know that I'm competent enough, strong enough, smart enough, experienced enough, or something enough to handle it.
And sometimes, I can't.
I'm not _____ (fill in the blank) enough to make it happen without help, usually followed or led into by a few tears.
Today, I struggled to make it through. And it was only a half day so really there is no excuse.
The thing is, today turned into a really good day.
Maybe instead of the word struggle, I should say 'wrestle.' I'm wrestling. Not physically of course (if you know me at all you know that that is so not one of my hobbies), but I'm emotionally wrestling with a lot of ideas, big and small.
Anyway, let me get back on topic and tell you why today was so good. It started off really hard and I'm not going to get in to all that here, but it was bad. Real bad. Rough, terrible, no good very bad day sort of material. And then I cried. Oh how I cried. Oh how I mourned and grieved and hid (middle and high school were on spring trips so I had a plethora of hiding places to choose from). If I could have dug a hole and lived there for a while, I would have.
And then, after many tears, a few friends pulled me out of it. I don't think that they knew that it would be the medicine I needed, but it worked.
One came and spoke Truth that I needed to be reminded of. Being reminded of what God is doing and how I've been a part of it was a good start, but also the reality of the struggle that this year has been across the board. I'm not alone in it...we are all together. There is a comfort in that that really is so reassuring.
The next remedy took a little more time, but my goodness was it salve for the soul. It started with and invitation to sit with coffee, half a cookie, and a half a cinnamon roll. (My school has the best kitchen staff. Seriously. They are amazing. And food fixes everything...or at least it helps the process along.) Then it was the recommendation to write a few thank you cards and focus on the silver linings to the clouds. Suddenly it was laughter and stories and memories and more tears, but these ones I didn't mind so much.
And while I'm still struggling, I didn't feel so alone in the pit by the end of it all. I had someone there with me, crying with me and passing the tissues.
Part of my struggle is that this friend and his family are leaving soon. But oh my goodness I'm so glad that they've been a part of my life here. I'm going to miss so many things about each of them...too many to document here...but today I was reassured of the depth of friendship that is there. And a friendship that deep doesn't go away from a plane and a few thousand miles that might physically separate people. Five years of memories don't just vanish into thin air. They will always be a part of my China story, and a part of me. One sixth of my life has been spent doing life with them. Five years of tears and triumphs. Of arguments and wrestling and growth. Five really really good years of being in community with these friends who are my China family.
I struggle. But I'm thankful. So here I sit: struggling, thankful, and crying for all the right reasons. The day started with tears that weren't so great, but these ones are a bit sweeter.
Oh this life.
You're right - that's life! But what a difference to know the One Who designed it all (for our good!!) and never abandons us and understands our weaknesses and cares and loves and and and...
ReplyDelete