Oh Singleness...

I’ve been toying with the idea of writing something on singleness for a while.

What’s stopped me?  Well, here are the thoughts that I have going through my head every time I want to write but don’t:

1 – Writing something on singleness, putting the words to page, seems like an announcement of singleness.  It doesn’t define me, it’s just a part of who I am…but will other people see me as a would-be poster child for singleness if they read my words about it?  I certainly hope not!  (In other words, please don’t put my name in Urban Dictionary as a synonym for ‘single.’  K thanks.)

2 – I am not an expert, although I certainly have experience.  Do I really have a right to share?  Do I want to share?  Please don’t make me share…

3 – It’s a painful topic for some, a badge of honor for others, and a great big question mark for the rest…although there are probably 500,000,000 other ways to look at it as well.  It’s highly personal, it’s highly painful, and I don’t like showing/sharing pain with the world.  I don’t like needing support.  I hate when I can’t be self-sufficient. I hate when I’m not enough.  Hello life, the name’s Bekah.  What’s that? Another slap across the face?  Don’t worry…I’m awake now…

So here I go…

My name’s Bekah and I’m single.  There have been three seasons in my life (well more like fifteen if you count good guy friends starting in the 8th grade that I thought/hoped might transpire into more, but that’s another set of stories for another time) where I thought my singleness might be nearing an end.  None of those relationships lasted long and I’m the one that bolted when things got tough.

My counselor tells me that’s something to think about.

So, of course, I try my best not to acknowledge or face it.  Me = Picture of Mental Stability (said no one ever).

Anyways, I digress.

My name’s Bekah and I’m single.  At the age of 32, I’ve gotten to be fairly good at being single.  I know how to make a meal that lasts all week (but even the best recipe is redundant by day 4), I’m completely comfortable traveling alone, “Table for 1, please” doesn’t scare me so much anymore, and I’m not afraid of hiring someone to do maintenance around my house.

I own a tool kit, manage my own finances (well…that is a work in progress…), order myself back to school gifts, and unashamedly buy myself flowers when I’ve had a bad day.

If you want to read what twenty-six-year-old Bekah thought about her singleness, here’s one from the archives.  Read it with a grain of salt.  Twenty-six-year-old Bekah, bless her heart, had some big lessons to learn.  Thirty-two-year-old Bekah still does.

Let me be honest and transparent for a moment…

I would love to be married someday.  I would love to have a husband and kids and in-laws and fights about where to spend Christmas.  My ‘plan’ was never to be 32 and single. 

But here I am.

And sometimes it stinks.

Let me wallow for just a moment...

It stinks on days when I just want to be around someone to debrief the day with and there’s no one there.

It stinks that, as a leader in a school, I have no one that is completely safe for me to vent to.  Married people have a spouse that they share everything with…the good the bad and the ugly.  If I tell family about my woes, they might try to solve them.  If I tell friends back home, they tell me it’s time to move. And telling coworkers is a no-go for a plethora of obvious reasons.  So, there are many a day where I go home, sit on my couch, and stare at the wall…trying to think through what I need to do to make amends for a wrong I’ve done or reasoning how I need to change my communication style to better fit the needs of my staff.

It stinks when I have big decisions on the horizon (as anyone living overseas…or anywhere really…so often does) and while people can give me input, at the end of the day it’s just me who has to decide and then carry out that decision.

It stinks when I think about 10 years from now and where I’ll be.  I am the only constant in those plans…well, me and Jesus. :)

It stinks when I reflect on the boundaries that I’ve had to put in place to be a healthy single woman in community…and it also stinks that those boundaries are oh so necessary.

So ya, I wallow.

I get sad.

I have bad days where being single bothers me.

But there are good days too.

In the interest of making this post semi useful to someone else rather than just a rant as I finish up my dinner (alone in a favorite restaurant…go single me!), I’d like to leave you with five thoughts that help me get through this solo life I live in community overseas.  Take them or leave them. :)

1 – Find family.

Sure, traditional family involves genetic or legal connections, but you can choose people to invest in who eventually become family.  Family is pivotal for survival for me.  Having friends with kids has been a key to having a place to unwind and pour into people that I love outside of school.  Can this be hard?  Oh yes, but for me it is why I am on year 8 in a city not my own.

Be warned – families leave. Families make decisions that are based on what’s best for their family and not on what’s best for you.  That’s okay…that’s right…that’s necessary.  They don’t leave because they want to get away from you or because you did something wrong.  They leave because it’s their time to leave.  The delight eventually can come again in relationships that last past just sharing a location.

I’ve had more families than I can count leave since I came to Chengdu.  More families than I can count that I dearly love and miss every day.  I miss those kiddos whose diapers I changed and homework I helped with and whose tears made puddles on my shoulders.  I miss those couples who became like siblings to me and who opened up their home and their family to me.  Huge chunks of my heart are elsewhere with those families that I adore.

Even as I write this, tears are streaming down my cheeks as I allow myself to mourn those families that I have “lost.”

But they are still family.  And you should find some. It’s worth it.  Open up your heart to them…you’ll be glad you did!

2 – Set Boundaries.

I’ve struggled with this aspect of singleness.  As a young twenty-something, I saw it as men’s responsibility to guard their relationships and had no qualms about being friends with a male coworker but not necessarily enjoying the company/friendship of his wife.

And as a young twenty-something, I didn’t understand why a few coworkers’ wives really seemed to detest me.  Their husbands were great.  We worked together, enjoyed chatting about random aspects of school or random other topics, and were amazing teammates.  But then on Sundays or around town when I would say hi to their wives, a look of what seemed to me like hatred would come across their faces.  I would take that as a cue not to pursue friendship and eventually would convince myself that they were just one of those opposites attracts kind of couples.

But then I realized something.  I was spending hours each day at work with their husbands, having fun and getting things done, becoming friends, making investments…and their wives were hearing about it at home.  I was THAT girl.  The fun young blonde at work who brought laughter into the job again.

I was THAT girl.

And I’m so not that girl.

So now I have rules for myself.  If I work closely with a married man, I pursue friendship with his wife.  If his wife and I aren’t all that compatible, I keep pursuing. I get to know their kids and offer to babysit so they can have time together as a couple.  And you know what happens?  I generally end up being friends with the whole family (see point 1).

And what a blessing those families are.

But if I work with a man closely and don’t have opportunities to get to know his wife, I am a different coworker.  I don’t ask questions beyond what I need to know for the job we’re working on.  I don’t let inside jokes become a thing.  I don’t talk about me.

Maybe that seems a little cold…but I refuse to be THAT girl ever again.

So, figure out what boundaries you need…and remember you are responsible for your boundaries…don’t put the blame on anyone else.  And be smart. You are human, and so is everyone else.

3 – Find your rhythm.

Just because you don’t have kids at home doesn’t mean you should be working late every night and all day every Saturday.

You need time with friends.  You need time to invest in families.  You need time to watch an entire season of a show on Netflix.  (That last one isn’t a need.  Turn off Netflix and get a book...says the girl who watched an entire season of the Great British Bake-off on Saturday...)

And you’ll have to figure out what works for you.  It won’t necessarily be what works for me.

For a few years, I was taking classes online and working full time while I pursued my Master’s degree and then an Educational Specialist degree.  For a year or so, I would do everything last minute and then my Sunday afternoons became catch up time for my left til the last-minute homework. (For a deeper understanding of my procrastinating brain, this is an excellent Ted Talk which I adore!) 

For the last two years of my studies, I would make Saturdays my homework days.  I would go to my favorite coffee shop, claim a table, work all day, and then head home knowing that I was done and nothing was lingering.  Sundays then became a day of rest.

But rest doesn’t look the same for everyone.

For me, rest was a video-chat with my former roommate in the morning, followed by fellowship, lunch/afternoon festivities with one family, and then dinner with another family.

I would tell my friends about how I spent my Sundays and they would give me a pained expression and tell me that I was crazy.

But I loved those Sundays.  They renewed me in a way that nothing else had for a long while.

Find your rhythm, and then don’t forget to change it up if it’s time for a change.

4 – Don’t be afraid.

Don’t be afraid of the label of “single.”  It’s not a projection of some major failure in your life or personality.  It’s just a part of a much bigger whole that is you.

Don’t be afraid of other people’s expectations of your life, and definitely don’t let those unmet expectations impact your successes and joys and goals and dreams.

Don’t be afraid of saying no to things that don’t fill you up that you feel like you “should” do because you “have the time.”

Don’t be afraid of trying something that you’re not sure you’ll be good at.  You never know until you try.

Don’t be afraid of falling in love and realizing that it’s not a good fit.

Don’t be afraid of putting yourself out there online.  You’ll find some gems to talk to…and maybe Mr. Right.  So far, I’ve found a whole lot of Mr. Not Right’s and one Mr. If Only…and I’m thankful for the conversations and connections that I’ve made even if I’m still somewhat hopelessly single.

Don’t be afraid of your singleness being a disappointment to your parents.  They love you.  They will always love you.  And they just want you to be happy and cared for.  They want to know that when they’re gone you’ll be okay. Don’t get frustrated by their hopes for you…but don’t be afraid of forging your own path and inviting them to be a part of the adventure.

Don’t be afraid of friends who want to set you up.  Go on those dates.  Meet those guys.  Or at least tell your friends that you’re open to it…you never know what unexpected blessings (or amazing stories of dates gone wrong) that might come your way.

Don’t be afraid of a few tears in a restaurant while you write a list of don’t be afraids. (Still here…still writing…still in the zone and now needing to rehydrate.)

5 – Enjoy this season.

I don’t know if my years as a single are coming to an end anytime soon or if they’re only just beginning, but I don’t intend to let sorrow or frustration define me.

I intend to enjoy the season that I’m in.  To acknowledge pains and frustrations, but not to let them become the seeds of bitterness.

I intend to celebrate my successes and growth and failures.

I intend to have great guy friends and great couple friends and great family friends.

I intend to be the best friend that I can be to the people that I am blessed to have in my life.

I intend to be me. The joyful, over-caffeinated Bekah that people around me seem to enjoy for the most part, or at least tolerate…

I intend to travel and explore and live every day of this journey of life with gratitude for the freedom that it has given me to do the things that I’ve done so far along the way.

And I intend to be open to whatever may be around the next bend on this crazy journey of life.

And with that, I need to stop writing. Thank you for wandering around with me in my random thought processes on this far too long post.

Side-note: I didn't plan to have two posts with lists of 5 back to back, but maybe that's my new thing? We'll see...

What about you?  What has been helpful advice on singleness that you’ve received that maybe I (or others) need to hear?  Would love to hear from you!

I've added a picture of part of my view so that something other than a pencil shows up when I share this post.  It's the little things!